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Single Moms United
Encouraging and motivating single mothers, reminding them of their strength and determination. They can succeed as a single parent as long as they remain focused.
Its not about how you arrived at the TITLE, but, what you do with it!
Single Moms United
Rediscovering Your Identity: Balancing Motherhood and Self-Care
What happens when your identity shifts from "me" to "we"? In this episode of Single Moms United, I share my personal journey of balancing the responsibilities of motherhood while striving to maintain my former self. We delve into the profound transformation that occurs when a woman becomes a mother, emphasizing the importance of embracing this new identity and reflecting on the challenges that come with it. You'll hear about the shifts in behavior, appearance, and priorities that are necessary post-pregnancy, and the significance of understanding how others perceive us in our new roles.
Remember those passions and talents you had before motherhood? It's time to reclaim them! Discover how integrating past interests into your current life can help rebuild self-identity and boost confidence. From my love for makeup and entrepreneurial spirit to practical self-care tips like taking a relaxing bath, this episode emphasizes the need to set aside "me time" and share successful strategies with others. Join our supportive community of single moms and learn how embracing your multifaceted identity can make you a stronger, more confident mother and leader.
https://singlemomsunitedpodcast.com/
It's not how you arrived at the title, but what you do with it.
Hey ladies, welcome to the Single Moms United podcast, where this podcast is designed to motivate and encourage young single moms. If this is your first time joining, welcome If you are a repeat listener. Thank you for your loyalty. You know, last week I talked about I would start a series around the letter I pulling out word choices and applying them to parenting skills and inviting you to think about it, right, and maybe how it can be applied to your life or to your parenting skills.
Speaker 1:Last week I talked about inspire, or inspiration, and challenged you to inspire your child or your children. You know, as a single mom and an older single mom now but when my kids were younger, you know I didn't do a lot of inspiring or providing inspiration to them. I know a bad mom, right, when you out trying to make a living and trying to do it on your own, it's tough to even inspire yourself. Right, to stay focused, to stay positive, and when you're struggling in that area, it's hard to inspire your kids, right? Hopefully, for those of you that were able to listen to last week's episode and even if you didn't, hey, you still have time to go back and listen as I talk about being an inspiration to your child or your children, and then, once you start doing that into your household, you're developing a behavior, you're developing a pattern. And so now you can go out and inspire others. Yeah, you can, you really can, if it's nothing but telling them to have a great day a stranger have a great day, or saying something positive to them. And I tell you, life is so much better when there's more positive aura around you than negativity. Negativity gets you all frowned up and you mad, and nobody better not look this way, right. Whereas if you're inspiring someone, you're smiling. Then all of a sudden they're smiling and you met your quota for the day. But really, you need to start at home, start with your children, because, remember, we are more than just moms. We are more than just moms. We're teachers, we're motivators, we're encouragers, we provide inspiration. We also are there to make sure our children have what they need. Right, we got to step up to the plate. We're providing for them, and that comes in many forms. But I'm not going to go there today.
Speaker 1:Today, I'm going to talk about image and identity. All right, let's talk about your image. Let's talk about your identity. First of all, when you become a mom that's your new name. In spite of what your parents or parent named you, your new name is mom, mama, mommy, some form of mom. That's your new identity and a lot of times we don't realize that as we become moms or new mothers it's like, okay, I just had a baby, but we never go or speak of, hey, I'm a mom and that's really my new name. It's no longer my government name, because as your kids get older, they're always going to call you mom. So that is your title for the rest of your life, given where my mom is, my mom's in her 90s, but she's still my mom's real name until maybe third grade. And I don't even know when my kids learn my real name. To be honest with you, here's a question I mean for kids that know better do they know your real name? And if they do, when did they learn it? And if they did learn it, they probably forgot it because your mom Think about that. So the first thing you have to think about is you're now mom. So your identity has changed, and part of the struggle with having your name changed that's why some young girls say I got to find myself. I don't know who I am. You're no longer your government name. So, as a result of that, that's where the confusion comes in at, because I was Maureen, now I've had a child. Now, mom, wait, what just happened? What happened to all of those traits in my brand and who I was before? I had little Johnny or little Cecilia? That's a good question. That's a good question. It's a transformation from who you were to who you are as a result of producing a child. What happens the struggle comes in that with your identity is because now you're trying to still create a balance between your government name and now you being a mom. And that's the struggle. And that's why, when I see young girls saying you know what? I don't want to do this anymore. Well, sweetheart, it is not a choice. You are now a mom and you have to accept that responsibility of your new title. There's no going back. I wish I could say that, hey, I'm going back and I'm just going to be me. But you know what? It's no longer just me, it's we. Once you produce that child, yeah, turn that M upside down to the W. That's right. You just went from me to we, just like that. And now you have to adjust your identity to the we. That's the issue with transformation from one to the other. So enough about identity. So now we're going to talk about image. We're going to talk about image. I'm transitioning into what was your image before, and when I say image, what's your brand? Who are you?
Speaker 1:You know, once upon a time, way back when, when I would interview for a job and I think I'd be ready, I researched a job and I'm like, oh okay, this looks like something I can do and I think I can do it well and I have experience here, I've experienced there, and blah, blah, blah, and I get in the doggone interview and the interviewer asked me yeah, what asked me? Says tell me a little bit about yourself. Who are you? Wait, what? What was the question? I can laugh about it now, y'all, but it wasn't funny. Back then I looked like a deer in headlights because I wasn't expecting them to ask me who I was and what I represented.
Speaker 1:That's one thing you need to potentially take away, moms from this episode is understanding who you are pre and post having a child. You should be able to take some of those same characteristics of who you were before you had the child and create a balance of who you are after having the child. Again, when I went into that interview and I was asked, who are you Couldn't respond because I didn't know Again. Well, yeah, I'm a parent, but do you want to hear that? Where are we going with this? And so I'm in my mind I, you know, of course I didn't ask them that but in my mind I'm like, well, wait, where are we going with this? But what they're trying to do is really identify and uncover your characteristics and how they play a role in that job. That takes all of that studying I did about the job and so forth, and threw it out the window because they're looking at something a little different as far as accessing my skills to see if I was a good fit for that job. Very clever and matter of fact. Ladies, I'm getting off the exit here. I'm going to hopefully produce in the very near future, create a YouTube page for you ladies that are wanting to, for you ladies that are wanting to interview and help you with your interviewing skills.
Speaker 1:You know what when certain questions are being asked, why they're being asked, so you can properly prepare for them, and also just really how you conduct yourself in the interview, how you ask questions to the interviewer when I sat on the other side of the table you know was interviewing people I was most impressed with the interviewee asking me questions. And I'm not talking about how much do I get paid, how many days off do I get. I'm not talking about how much do I get paid, how many days off do I get. I'm not talking about them. Questions, I'm talking about where do you see this business in five years? Questions I'm talking about why is this position open? Those are the types of questions Because now, when you ask those types of questions, guess what? I know you're serious about the job and you're probably going to stay if you're offered the job because you've did your research. And now you're asking me. So I'm impressed by that. I'm impressed by that and, matter of fact, it actually separates you from the other candidates based on the questions you ask. Hmm, didn't know that, did you? Okay, all right, y'all, stop it, stop it.
Speaker 1:Let me get back on the highway of my topic of how do you your image? We're talking about image here. We talked about the transition becoming changing from me to we, but now, as you become we, now who are you? And I'm going to go through some examples later. I'm going to use some from myself. Right of who I am, or who I feel I am today, or who I feel I am today. The other thing to consider how do you carry yourself now versus before you had the child? Listen, and the reason I'm asking these questions is because it's going to uncover, it's peeling back to get to the core of who. You are right, because we get lost in the transition from me to we. How do you carry yourself now that you're a mom? How do people react when you walk in the room? I hear you. It don't matter what people think. I know who I am, I know this, I know that, and that's okay, and that's okay. Okay, and that's okay.
Speaker 1:This was not meant to be offensive, but it's also there to help you understand who you are, based on how people see you and how people approach or acknowledge you or not acknowledge you. Yeah, it tells some things about you and these are things we need to know because, as you continue to uncover your own identity, your own image, you got to know how you're being received or, if you're being received, are you being ignored? And if you're being ignored, why are you being ignored? All right, let me move on. Let me move on.
Speaker 1:Now that it's we, how do you dress? Do you dress the same way as you did when it was just me, for example? Maybe when it was just me, there used to be a little more cleavage showing. Now that it's we, are you covering up a little bit more? There has to be a new respect given to you as a single mom versus when it was just you, right, when it's just you, it's okay. It's okay how people approach you, I guess. But now you're a mom and so, as your child gets older, it's time to change some behaviors that would be more appropriate as a parent. I'm just saying that in my out loud voice, all right.
Speaker 1:Also another and I may not go into in depth with this particular I word what illusion have you created regarding your appearance? Again, it goes back to how are you carrying yourself when it was just me? Yeah, I get, maybe you do the lash thing and maybe you do some other things related to your appearance that give an illusion that this is who you are. And I say that, and I go there with this particular area Our young girls are watching mom, they're paying attention. So if you're wearing those big, thick eyelashes and you got the weave and the baby hair thing going on and all of that. And if you have a daughter, she's paying attention, and even your son is paying attention. She's watching you, she's paying attention to you, and is that the message you want to send to her? Think about that.
Speaker 1:As moms, we lose our identity. Or we can, let me say, or we can, let me say we can, and most of us don't even realize it until after we get into the deep weeds of life as a parent or as a single parent. Like, wait a minute. I used to love to do X, y, z, p, d, q. I haven't done that before. I had little Ruthie. Oh yeah, I remember why I don't do that anymore. Because little Ruthie occupies my time and I got to do this with her. I got to do this with her. So we do have a tendency to lose ourselves. So we got to go back and find that balance, or integrate that balance of who we are with who we were, with who we are. You got to go back and find that balance, and we'll talk a little more about that in a minute. But anyway, post baby, our objective and purpose was put on hold. You know, we get so consumed with parenting, we lose our identity.
Speaker 1:And if you haven't lost your identity and if you still doing exactly the same thing you did pre-baby ma'am, I'm sorry to tell you but it's time to grow up. It's called maturity because some things we can't do anymore. You know, I remember my mom and even the kids. Other grandma told me in a loving manner they would watch the kids, and that didn't mean they didn't love their grandkids, but it was their way of telling me I had to grow up. They would only watch the kids when I worked, and you know what? That is absolutely fair. It's time for me to grow up and be responsible. That's what they were saying. You need to grow up. You made these children. Now take your ownership, be responsible, be mature and teach them and be a parent, and I so appreciate them for being honest with me and giving me that talk in love.
Speaker 1:It is, and I'm not saying that. Listen. If you listen to my prior episodes, you've heard me say there is no perfect parent. It doesn't exist. All you have is good and bad parents. I can't always say I was a good parent. I would say it was maybe 60, 40 or maybe 70, 30. I tried to own and be mature of my responsibility to raising my children.
Speaker 1:Okay, I didn't get hung up on their dad and things he wasn't doing. I just didn't. To me that's unproductive, especially if I know what's not going anywhere. So you ladies that are out there, he ain't this, he ain't that and he won't do this. And I got to take him back to court and la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la la. And I know some of you are going to disagree with me and that's fair and I can only talk about my situation.
Speaker 1:For me it was just unproductive for me to pursue anything with him, and I'm not going to get into the weeds or the details of it, I'm just going to say it would have been unproductive. I could channel that energy that I will be putting into the negativity that I have for him into something more positive, building out my skill set. I learned how to cut my son's hair. I learned how to do my own taxes. I taught myself different things. I just learned how to do so all of that negative energy that I would have put into their father. I flipped the page and said, no, uh-uh, sis, you're going to go out here and learn a new skill. You're going to go out here and invest in your children. How are you going to invest in your children? You're going to learn. When you learn, then you can teach them. So enough about that.
Speaker 1:Back on my topic road here. So, once upon a time, some of the greatest career advice I ever received was like if you bring the problem, bring the solution with it. Greatest advice I've ever received, and I so give kudos to Leah Bergman. That was her name. May she rest in peace, but that was the greatest advice that she ever gave me. I'm bringing my thoughts of a solution to the topic at hand, which is all about uncovering your identity and your image, post or post-pregnancy. Here are some ways, in my opinion, to help you get your identity back. Are you ready? You need to get a pencil and paper, all right.
Speaker 1:So, number one know your personality type. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? And for those of you that says, what are you talking about? There are two personality types, and this can go a long way, not only with your parenting skills, but any relationships that you have. Some things are going to start making more sense when you uncover your personality type.
Speaker 1:Introvert is someone that's. I'm good with not doing a lot of interacting with people. Now, me myself, I'm an introvert. Matter of fact, I'm an extreme introvert. That's why I'm behind this mic right and not in front of a camera, and that's kind of how you can determine whether you're introvert or an extrovert.
Speaker 1:Introverts we like to be behind the scenes, extroverts like to be in the front of this. When an introvert gets put into extrovert situations, it is so uncomfortable. For example, I used to be in sales. Well, guess what? That was really uncomfortable for me. I was traveling all the time, all over the country, all over the world, and it was extremely uncomfortable. Because I'm an introvert, I like to be behind the scenes, moving and doing things of that nature. I don't particularly like to be in large crowds and so forth.
Speaker 1:But an extrovert, they love that. They would lose their minds. And my son, he's an extrovert and you can tell, because he doesn't meet a stranger. He can go and talk to anybody. And I'm just the opposite. If I think somebody look like they're going to talk to me, I'm like, oh nope, especially on these planes. Oh, got my earpiece in. I don't know. None. You're saying you have to understand your personality type. That's what's going to help get your identity back.
Speaker 1:Okay, number two know what your natural or authentic gift is. Well, what do I mean by that? What do you enjoy doing? What did you enjoy doing prior to having little Ruthie? Do you have a side hustle? You know some young ladies. They like doing hair.
Speaker 1:Before I had my kids, I enjoyed doing makeup. I loved it. I mean, I could have probably went to New York and become a makeup artist, I don't know, but I loved it. I ended up getting a Mary Kay kit. I guess you could say I was kind of an entrepreneur. I would promote special events, graduations, birthday parties, anniversaries, weddings, those type of events where a young lady or a woman wants to get made up and be beautiful. For that day Got my little Mary Kay kit, put my name out there and I said hey, you got an event coming up, let me come do your makeup for you. Well, I really didn't get too far outside of the family because I don't know what license and things you had to have or anything else, right? And then two if they would have broke out, I think they would have forgave me, right, whereas if it was a stranger they probably would have sued me, but anyway, that was my side hustle. That's what I enjoyed doing was makeup After I had my kids.
Speaker 1:It kind of got lost in the process. That's what you would want to pursue or understand what that gift is. Try to integrate it back into your post-childbearing again to give you that ability to uncover your identity right or build your brand or who you are. Again, you're always going to be a mom, but then you have to pull in what your authentic gift is, what your talent is, what your authentic gift is, what your talent is. Now, the next thing you want to consider with getting your identity back is you want to display confidence, which represents strength.
Speaker 1:I say confidence or arrogance. There's a difference between the two. Confidence represents strength, arrogance represents weakness. You, as a single mom, have to represent strength, because that's what's going to help elevate you and move you forward as a single mom, because you're not just a mom, you are also a teacher and motivator and provide inspiration to your child or your children, and that requires strength, because you are going to be met with challenges daily. If it's not this, it's that. So you got to have strength.
Speaker 1:Come on, ladies, come back, grab that confidence, hold your head up high. That's what that means, right, and some people will kind of you know, once you develop that strength, they go oh she's arrogant, she's bougie, she's this, she's that, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But no, because when you're confident, you still speak to people and, matter of fact, people will start treating you differently and giving you greater respect. Where arrogance or bougie, that's a sign of weakness, where you think you don't have to speak to people because you're too good. And that's not what I'm talking about today. We're talking about strength.
Speaker 1:So you got to go back, get that strength, then finally be honest with yourself, look into the mirror and say who are you, and not only who are you. What do you want to be? Because now what you do is create that balance between who you were prior to giving birth to your children, to who you are now, and again, you go back and pull some of those strengths, talents and blend it in to who you are now, because it's going to make a difference and the good news is, long-term, this impacts your children, right? But if you're going around, I'm just a mom. I'm just a mom. I'm just a mom. Guess what? Where's that going to take you in the end? Where's it going to take your children in the end? Think about that.
Speaker 1:And then finally, finally, seriously, last point, establish me time. If you want your identity back, you have to establish me time, because I heard you, throughout this entire process of me going through this, you saying, yeah, but little Ruthie did this, or little Robert I got to take him over here and little Michael got to go over there, and I just don't have time to try to go back and pull in who I was to who I am now. I don't have time because my focus is on my kids, and that's good because it reflects maturity and now that strength we just talked about. But, child, when they go to bed, build in some me time. And if your child or school-age children try to find some me time, I would say go, run you a nice bath, put some bath bombs in there and relax. And there used to be a commercial once upon a time ago that said cow gone, take me away.
Speaker 1:Right, you may say you know what, trying to sit down in a tub and whatever is just not an option, and I may just be talking from my perspective. That's one option. The second option is you can still use like bath bombs. Put that in the shower they're very nice and send it. Take you a nice hot shower, and what I would recommend you do is put it in there first, run the shower and let it start to dissolve and the scent start to fill the air. Right, one of the things I do. I have peppermint scent that I use, and so now my whole bathroom is smelling all pepperminty and now it done, seeped out into my bedroom. It's smelling really good, and then I go on and get into what I got to do, right, and so now there's that relaxation. But that's something you can do.
Speaker 1:Ma'am, again, this is also designed for critical thinking. You know that works for me. You may find something else a little different that works for you, and that's okay. That's okay. And what I would encourage you to do if you do find something different that works for you, share it with another single mom. Yeah, share it with another single mom. Yeah, Share it with another, because you don't know what you're doing may be something that other single mom needs. So this doesn't stop here. It should continue to go on. I'm passing the baton to you to also encourage another single mom.
Speaker 1:All right, I am almost finished and I know I am just out of time here, but thanks for hanging out with me. So if I had to go back today and say who I am as a person, or what my identity or my brand is, I just listed out a few things again to help get you to thinking about who you are and how you want to integrate who you were to who you are now, and there's some things you need to leave back there, possibly. But then there's some positive things that you did before you had your child that you want to bring across the border right and try to implement that into your daily routine. So I'm just going to quickly go through some examples of who I am. Hopefully this will start the thought process for you of some of your own characteristics that you might want to say this is who I am. All right, so here we go.
Speaker 1:Who am I? First of all, I'm a Christian. I love God and I love everything about him, and that's one reason why I started this podcast. As a Christian, it just means you're a giver. When you know God, you give. There's no separation there, right? Think about John 3, 16. I feel like my own purpose links back to my love of God and being a giver. Back to my love of God and being a giver when I look at where I am now in my life, where I was and then where I should be. Yeah, I know it was nobody, but God got me to where I am today. So that's the first point of who I am. I am a Christian. I am a giver because someone else is going through something very similar to what I've gone through in the past.
Speaker 1:Sing a mom, ring a bell, all right. So I'm a designer. I love to design things. I love having a creative mindset in my home. I change stuff around all the time. I just enjoy it, and it's inexpensive. But I consider myself a designer. I'm a mom. Now I hear you. Why didn't you say that first? Well, my kids are older and they're out living their best life. I'm still a mom, and they're out living their best life. I'm still a mom. And if they were to call me right now and say, mom, I need to move back home, come on till you get back on your feet? Absolutely. The ranking of these are not in an exact order, so it doesn't mean me placing mom in the third space means any less. It's just that my kids are grown.
Speaker 1:I'm thinking about prioritizing, right, the other thing about who I am I'm a poet, I love to write poetry and, oh yeah, I'm a podcaster. I'm self-taught. All of y'all be like, ooh, that was bad, right there, that was, ooh, she could have did. Yeah, that's because I'm self-taught, so cut me some slack, just kidding. All right, I'm an encourager. Right, I'm an encourager. One of the things that I do on social media. I do daily encouragements, because you just don't know what people are going through and, frankly, it's none of our business. I'm encouraged by it. Then I put it out there for others. So I would put the title of who I am as an encourager and a motivator.
Speaker 1:I already talked about I'm an introvert. So these are these characteristics of who I am, because now that I know who I am, then I know how I fit in in certain areas. Right, and even as I have my kids come to me, now I know what to talk about and to help guide them or to explain to them. This is why you act in this way, because you are. They may fall into some of those characteristics as well. All right, so enough about me. So now, who are you? And if you weren't able to capture anything from the list that I just shared with you, that's okay, so I'm going to help you out.
Speaker 1:So, as a mom, another title or another or a better word choice or description is you are now a leader. Yeah, mom, you're now a leader because you're planning, you're buying clothes, you're paying bills, you're involved with your children's activities, you're guiding them, you're managing your household, and if you are living or have your own apartment, then guess what? You're the CEO of your household, and you didn't even think about that. You now have leadership qualities that you didn't have before you had that child. Think about that. Think about the role you are playing now versus the role you had. You are now a leader.
Speaker 1:So, as you are developing your list of who you are, are leader, should be, or you can put yours as mom at the top, but then put the little hyphen there and put leader next to it, because that's who you are now. You're not just a mom, you're a teacher too. You're a motivator, along with having this leadership. And guess what? That's pretty much a huge responsibility that you just acquired, and again, that's why, as moms, there's some struggle with confusion on how to maneuver through life because we don't understand that. We have to learn to accept the role, that we are a leader. Yes, the man is supposed to be the leader, but if he's not in the household, that role falls on your shoulder. That role falls on your shoulders, mom.
Speaker 1:All right, ladies, I know this was extremely long and I should have put my disclaimer at the beginning of the podcast. Long episode alert. I hope you find value If one young lady says you know what I feel? Strength now. I'm motivated now. I can do some things now because now I know I'm a leader. I'm not just a mom, but I'm putting forth my best effort as a leader of my child or my children, so that when they grow up they can be productive adults in this world. And really that's all that's being asked as a parent. And again, there's no perfect parent and there's no perfect leader. They're just good and bad Ladies. Encourage another mom.
Speaker 1:If you enjoyed this episode, you got to spread the word and, matter of fact, I want to hear from you. I would love to hear from you If you could go to singlemomsunitedpodcastcom. I have a blog out there. You can send me some thoughts. You can go to my YouTube page.
Speaker 1:Send me some thoughts on how you felt about this episode and in the again in the very near future, again in the very near future I am going to be looking for participants to do interviews with on the podcast. Get your thoughts. So I'm going to be opening that up in the near future. I'm not going to put a date on it because I'm not going to stress out like that. If you're wanting to be on an episode, if you go to my website, singlemomsunitedpodcastcom, you can fill out a form there and I'll keep that in mind and so when I get everything set up, we'll talk and I'll go from there. All right, ladies, have a fabulous day. I sure hope you found some value in this episode and if you did tell another single mom have a great day, take care.
